Bound to a Troll System in the Three Kingdoms: I Can't Fight, but All the Girls Are Obsessed with Me

In an age when everyone fights with brute force and noble bloodlines, one shaky-handed gate guard survives the Three Kingdoms chaos purely by talking trash with a sarcastic system. He doesn't rebel, doesn't conquer, doesn't play deep political games—all he wants is a steady paycheck, a warm meal, and not dying in the first charge. But somehow, he ends up collecting the sisters, daughters, and widows of legendary warlords into his backyard. The system screws him over daily, but the beauties? They never do. Late Eastern Han Dynasty, outside Luoyang. A modern office drone—who can't even kill a chicken without trembling—wakes up as a bottom-tier infantryman, drafted into a no-name general's army after the Yellow Turban Rebellion. Combat power: weaker than a peasant laborer. Family background: none whatsoever. Only cheat code: a venomous system that drops a "suicide mission of the day" every morning, with rewards ranging from "don't starve for three days" to "random beauty affection +1." His original plan? Lay low and die of old age—that's victory. But the system forces him to: Hand a watermelon to Lü Bu when Dong Zhuo enters the capital Block a drink for Diaochan at Wang Yun's banquet Pass Cao Cao a perfectly fitting pair of shoes while he's fleeing for his life Order ten pairs of straw sandals on the spot from Liu Bei's roadside stall And the results? Lü Bu finds him amusing and spares his life. Dong Zhuo promotes him to Centurion—just to hear his jokes. Diaochan secretly teaches him to read, saying, "You're cleaner than those high-born lords." Sun Shangxiang points her bow at his nose, then blushes and asks him to teach her "how to curse without using dirty words." He doesn't pick sides. He doesn't play loyalist or rebel. All he wants is: pay on time, never the front line, and hot soup after shift. But the system's hidden quest reads: 【Collect seven soulmates from seven different warring factions. Unlock ultimate achievement: "Lying Flat to Win the Chaos."】 And so—this zero-combat soldier, in the bloodiest era of Chinese history, forges a path no one expected: survive by wit, promote by luck, retire on romance.